I doubt if ten men in all Tilbury Town Had ever shaken hands with Captain Craig, Or called him by his name, or looked at him So curiously, or so concernedly, As they had looked at ashes; but a fewâ€” Say five or six of usâ€”had found somehow The spark in him, and we had fanned it there, Choked under, like a jest in Holy Writ, By Tilbury prudence. He had lived his life And in his way had shared, with all mankind, Inveterate leave to fashion of himself, By some resplendent metamorphosis, Whatever he was not. And after time, When it had come sufficiently to pass That he was going patch-clad through the streets, Weak, dizzy, chilled, and half starved, he had laid Some nerveless fingers on a prudent sleeve, And told the sleeve, in furtive confidence, Just how it was: â€œMy name is Captain Craig,â€ He said, â€œand I must eat.â€ The sleeve moved on, And after it moved othersâ€”one or two; For Captain Craig, before the day was done, Got back to the scant refuge of his bed And shivered into it without a curseâ€” Without a murmur even. He was cold, And old, and hungry; but the worst of it Was a forlorn familiar consciousness That he had failed again. There was a time When he had fancied, if worst came to worst, And he could do no more, that he might ask Of whom he would. But once had been enough, And soon there would be nothing more to ask. He was himself, and he had lost the speed He started with, and he was left behind. There was no mystery, no tragedy; And if they found him lying on his back Stone dead there some sharp morning, as they might,â€” Well, once upon a time there was a manâ€” Es war einmal ein KÃ¶nig, if it pleased him. And he was right: there were no men to blame: There was just a false note in the Tilbury tuneâ€” A note that able-bodied men might sound Hosannas on while Captain Craig lay quiet. They might have made him sing by feeding him Till he should march again, but probably Such yielding would have jeopardized the rhythm; They found it more melodious to shout Right on, with unmolested adoration, To keep the tune as it had always been, To trust in God, and let the Captain starve.
He must have understood that afterwardsâ€” When we had laid some fuel to the spark Of him, and oxidized itâ€”for he laughed Out loud and long at us to feel it burn, And then, for gratitude, made game of us: â€œYou are the resurrection and the life,â€ He said, â€œand I the hymn the Brahmin sings; O Fuscus! and weâ€™ll go no more a-roving.â€ We were not quite accoutred for a blast Of any lettered nonchalance like that, And some of usâ€”the five or six of us Who found him outâ€”were singularly struck. But soon there came assurance of his lips, Like phrases out of some sweet instrument Manâ€™s hand had never fitted, that he felt â€œNo penitential shame for what had come, No virtuous regret for what had been,â€” But rather a joy to find it in his life To be an outcast usher of the soul For such as had good courage of the Sun To pattern Love.â€ The Captain had one chair; And on the bottom of it, like a king, For longer time than I dare chronicle, Sat with an ancient ease and eulogized His opportunity. My friends got out, Like brokers out of Arcady; but Iâ€” May be for fascination of the thing, Or may be for the larger humor of itâ€” Stayed listening, unwearied and unstung. When they were gone the Captainâ€™s tuneful ooze Of rhetoric took on a change; he smiled At me and then continued, earnestly: â€œYour friends have had enough of it; but you, For a motive hardly vindicated yet By prudence or by conscience, have remained; And that is very good, for I have things To tell you: things that are not words aloneâ€” Which are the ghosts of thingsâ€”but something firmer. â€œFirst, would I have you know, for every gift Or sacrifice, there areâ€”or there may beâ€” Two kinds of gratitude: the sudden kind We feel for what we take, the larger kind We feel for what we give. Once we have learned As much as this, we know the truth has been Told over to the world a thousand times;â€” But we have had no ears to listen yet For more than fragments of it: we have heard A murmur now and then, and echo here And there, and we have made great music of it; And we have made innumerable books To please the Unknown God. Time throws away Dead thousands of them, but the God that knows No death denies not one: the books all count, The songs all count; and yet Godâ€™s music has No modes, his language has no adjectives.â€
â€œYou may be right, you may be wrong,â€ said I; â€œBut what has this that you are saying nowâ€” This nineteenth-century Nirvana-talkâ€” To do with you and me?â€ The Captain raised His hand and held it westward, where a patched And unwashed attic-window filtered in What barren light could reach us, and then said, With a suave, complacent resonance: â€œThere shines The sun. Behold it. We go round and round, And wisdom comes to us with every whirl We count throughout the circuit. We may say The child is born, the boy becomes a man, The man does this and that, and the man goes,â€” But having said it we have not said much, Not very much. Do I fancy, or you think, That it will be the end of anything When I am gone? There was a soldier once Who fought one fight and in that fight fell dead. Sad friends went after, and they brought him home And had a brass band at his funeral, As you should have at mine; and after that A few remembered him. But he was dead, They said, and they should have their friend no more.â€” However, there was once a starveling childâ€” A ragged-vested little incubus, Born to be cuffed and frighted out of all Capacity for childhoodâ€™s happinessâ€” Who started out one day, quite suddenly, To drown himself. He ran away from home, Across the clover-fields and through the woods, And waited on a rock above a stream, Just like a kingfisher. He might have dived, Or jumped, or he might not; but anyhow, There came along a man who looked at him With such an unexpected friendliness, And talked with him in such a common way, That life grew marvelously different: What he had lately known for sullen trunks And branches, and a world of tedious leaves, Was all transmuted; a faint forest wind That once had made the loneliest of all Sad sounds on earth, made now the rarest music; And water that had called him once to death Now seemed a flowing glory. And that man, Born to go down a soldier, did this thing. Not much to do? Not very much, I grant you: Good occupation for a sonneteer, Or for a clown, or for a clergyman, But small work for a soldier. By the way, When you are weary sometimes of your own Utility, I wonder if you find Occasional great comfort pondering What power a man has in him to put forth? â€˜Of all the many marvelous things that are, Nothing is there more marvelous than man,â€™ Said Sophocles; and he lived long ago; â€˜And earth, unending ancient of the gods He furrows; and the ploughs go back and forth, Turning the broken mould, year after year.â€™â€¦
â€œI turned a little furrow of my own Once on a time, and everybody laughedâ€” As I laughed afterwards; and I doubt not The First Intelligence, which we have drawn In our competitive humility As if it went forever on two legs, Had some diversion of it: I believe Godâ€™s humor is the music of the spheresâ€” But even as we draft omnipotence Itself to our own image, we pervert The courage of an infinite ideal To finite resignation. You have made The cement of your churches out of tears And ashes, and the fabric will not stand: The shifted walls that you have coaxed and shored So long with unavailing compromise Will crumble down to dust and blow away, And younger dust will follow after them; Though not the faintest or the farthest whirled First atom of the least that ever flew Shall be by man defrauded of the touch God thrilled it with to make a dream for man When Science was unborn. And after time, When we have earned our spiritual ears, And artâ€™s commiseration of the truth No longer glorifies the singing beast, Or venerates the clinquant charlatan,â€” Then shall at last come ringing through the sun, Through time, through flesh, a music that is true. For wisdom is that music, and all joy That wisdom:â€”you may counterfeit, you think, The burden of it in a thousand ways; But as the bitterness that loads your tears Makes Dead Sea swimming easy, so the gloom, The penance, and the woeful pride you keep, Make bitterness your buoyance of the world. And at the fairest and the frenziedest Alike of your God-fearing festivals, You so compound the truth to pamper fear That in the doubtful surfeit of your faith You clamor for the food that shadows eat. You call it rapture or deliverance,â€” Passion or exaltation, or what most The moment needs, but your faint-heartedness Lives in it yet: you quiver and you clutch For something larger, something unfulfilled, Some wiser kind of joy that you shall have Never, until you learn to laugh with God.â€ And with a calm Socratic patronage, At once half sombre and half humorous, The Captain reverently twirled his thumbs And fixed his eyes on something far away; Then, with a gradual gaze, conclusive, shrewd, And at the moment unendurable For sheer beneficence, he looked at me.
â€œBut the brass band?â€ I said, not quite at ease With altruism yet.â€”He made a sort Of reminiscent little inward noise, Midway between a chuckle and a laugh, And that was all his answer: not a word Of explanation or suggestion came From those tight-smiling lips. And when I left, I wondered, as I trod the creaking snow And had the world-wide air to breathe again,â€” Though I had seen the tremor of his mouth And honored the endurance of his handâ€” Whether or not, securely closeted Up there in the stived haven of his den, The man sat laughing at me; and I felt My teeth grind hard together with a quaint Revulsionâ€”as I recognize it nowâ€” Not only for my Captain, but as well For every smug-faced failure on Godâ€™s earth; Albeit I could swear, at the same time, That there were tears in the old fellowâ€™s eyes. I question if in tremors or in tears There be more guidance to manâ€™s worthiness Thanâ€”well, say in his prayers. But oftentimes It humors us to think that we possess By some divine adjustment of our own Particular shrewd cells, or something else, What others, for untutored sympathy, Go spirit-fishing more than half their lives To catchâ€”like cheerful sinners to catch faith; And I have not a doubt but I assumed Some egotistic attribute like this When, cautiously, next morning I reduced The fretful qualms of my novitiate, For most part, to an undigested pride. Only, I live convinced that I regret This enterprise no more than I regret My life; and I am glad that I was born.
That evening, at â€œThe Chrysalis,â€ I found The faces of my comrades all suffused With what I chose then to denominate Superfluous good feeling. In return, They loaded me with titles of odd form And unexemplified significance, Like â€œBellows-mender to Prince Ã†olus,â€ â€œPipe-filler to the Hoboscholiast,â€ â€œBread-fruit for the Non-Doing,â€ with one more That I remember, and a dozen more That I forget. I may have been disturbed, I do not say that I was not annoyed, But something of the same serenity That fortified me later made me feel For their skin-pricking arrows not so much Of pain as of a vigorous defect In this worldâ€™s archery. I might have tried, With a flat facetiousness, to demonstrate What they had only snapped at and thereby Made out of my best evidence no more Than comfortable food for their conceit; But patient wisdom frowned on argument, With a side nod for silence, and I smoked A series of incurable dry pipes While Morgan fiddled, with obnoxious care, Things that I wished he wouldnâ€™t. Killigrew, Drowsed with a fond abstraction, like an ass, Lay blinking at me while he grinned and made Remarks. The learned Plunket made remarks.
It may have been for smoke that I cursed cats That night, but I have rather to believe As I lay turning, twisting, listening, And wondering, between great sleepless yawns, What possible satisfaction those dead leaves Could find in sending shadows to my room And swinging them like black rags on a line, That I, with a forlorn clear-headedness Was ekeing out probation. I had sinned In fearing to believe what I believed, And I was paying for it.â€”Whimsical, You think,â€”factitious; but â€œthere is no luck, No fate, no fortune for us, but the old Unswerving and inviolable price Gets paid: God sells himself eternally, But never gives a crust,â€ my friend had said; And while I watched those leaves, and heard those cats, And with half mad minuteness analyzed The Captainâ€™s attitude and then my own, I felt at length as one who throws himself Down restless on a couch when clouds are dark, And shuts his eyes to find, when he wakes up And opens them again, what seems at first An unfamiliar sunlight in his room And in his lifeâ€”as if the child in him Had laughed and let him see; and then I knew Some prowling superfluity of child In me had found the child in Captain Craig And let the sunlight reach him. While I slept, My thought reshaped itself to friendly dreams, And in the morning it was with me still.
Through March and shifting April to the time When winter first becomes a memory My friend the Captainâ€”to my other friendâ€™s Incredulous regret that such as he Should ever get the talons of his talk So fixed in my unfledged credulityâ€” Kept up the peroration of his life, Not yielding at a threshold, nor, I think, Too often on the stairs. He made me laugh Sometimes, and then again he made me weep Almost; for I had insufficiency Enough in me to make me know the truth Within the jest, and I could feel it there As well as if it were the folded note I felt between my fingers. I had said Before that I should have to go away And leave him for the season; and his eyes Had shone with well-becoming interest At that intelligence. There was no mist In them that I remember; but I marked An unmistakable self-questioning And a reticence of unassumed regret. The two together made anxietyâ€” Not selfishness, I ventured. I should see No more of him for six or seven months, And I was there to tell him as I might What humorous provision we had made For keeping him locked up in Tilbury Town. That finishedâ€”with a few more commonplace Prosaics on the certified event Of my return to find him young againâ€” I left him neither vexed, I thought, with us, Nor over much at odds with destiny. At any rate, save always for a look That I had seen too often to mistake Or to forget, he gave no other sign.
That train began to move; and as it moved, I felt a comfortable sudden change All over and inside. Partly it seemed As if the strings of me had all at once Gone down a tone or two; and even though It made me scowl to think so trivial A touch had owned the strength to tighten them, It made me laugh to think that I was free. But free from whatâ€”when I began to turn The question roundâ€”was more than I could say: I was no longer vexed with Killigrew, Nor more was I possessed with Captain Craig; But I was eased of some restraint, I thought, Not qualified by those amenities, And I should have to search the matter down; For I was young, and I was very keen. So I began to smoke a bad cigar That Plunket, in his love, had given me The night before; and as I smoked I watched The flying mirrors for a mile or so, Till to the changing glimpse, now sharp, now faint, They gave me of the woodland over west, A gleam of long-forgotten strenuous years Came back, when we were Red Men on the trail, With Morgan for the big chief Wocky-Bocky; And yawning out of that I set myself To face again the loud monotonous ride That lay before me like a vista drawn Of bag-racks to the fabled end of things.