"I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more."
"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."
"Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words."
"You can't teach an old dogma new tricks."
"Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."
"Four be the things I'd have been better without:"
"Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."
"A girl's best friend is her mutter."
"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
"Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves."
"Salary is no object; I want only enough to keep body and soul apart."
"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair."
"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'"
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."
"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires."
"Now, look, baby, 'Union' is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word."
"It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard."
"All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends."
"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."
"Scratch a lover, and find a foe."
"Men don't like nobility in woman. Not any men. I suppose it is because the men like to have the copyrights on nobility -- if there is going to be anything like that in a relationship."
"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them."
"People are more fun than anybody."
"I like to have a martini,"
"Two at the very most."
"After three I'm under the table,"
"after four I'm under my host."
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."
"The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt."
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B."
"The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism."
"If all the young ladies who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised."
"As only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you'll live through the night."
"Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, may be prolonged to that point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation."
"Summer makes me drowsy."
"Autumn makes me sing."
"Winter's pretty lousy,"
"But I hate Spring."