"All men have an instinct for conflict: at least, all healthy men."
"Be at the pains of putting down every single item of expenditure whatsoever every day which could possibly be twisted into a professional expense and remember to lump in all the doubtfulls."
"Be content to remember that those who can make omelettes properly can do nothing else."
"Child! Do not throw this book about; refrain from the unholy pleasure of cutting all the pictures out."
"From quiet homes and first beginning,Out to the undiscovered ends,There's nothing worth the wear of winning,But laughter and the love of friends."
"I am writing a book about the Crusades so dull that I can scarcely write it."
"I said to Heart, 'How goes it?' Heart replied: 'Right as a Ribstone Pippin!'"
"I shoot the Hippopotamus with bullets made of platinum, because if I use the leaden one his hide is sure to flatten em."
"I'm tired of love; I'm still more tired of rhyme; but money gives me pleasure all the time."
"It is sometimes necessary to lie damnably in the interests of the nation."
"Just as there is nothing between the admirable omelet and the intolerable, so with autobiography."
"Loss and possession, death and life are one, There falls no shadow where there shines no sun."
"Oh! let us never, never doubt what nobody is sure about!"
"Pale Ebenezer thought it wrong to fight, but Roaring Bill (who killed him) thought it right."
"The grace of God is courtesy."
"The Llama is a woolly sort of fleecy hairy goat, with an indolent expression and an undulating throat; like an unsuccessful literary man."
"The moment a man talks to his fellows he begins to lie."
"We wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment."
"When friendship disappears then there is a space left open to that awful loneliness of the outside world which is like the cold space between the planets. It is an air in which men perish utterly."
"When I am dead, I hope it is said, 'His sins were scarlet, but his books were read'."
"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: His sins were scarlet, but his books were read."