Now when I have a cold I am careful with my cold, I consult a physician And I do as I am told. I muffle up my torso In woolly woolly garb, And I quaff great flagons Of sodium bicarb. I munch on aspirin, I lunch on water, And I wouldn’t dream of osculating Anybody’s daughter, And to anybody’s son I wouldn’t say howdy, For I am a sufferer Magna cum laude. I don’t like germs, But I’ll keep the germs I’ve got. Will I take a chance of spreading them? Definitely not. I sneeze out the window And I cough up the flue, And I live like a hermit Till the germs get through. And because I’m considerate, Because I’m wary, I am treated by my friends Like Typhoid Mary.
Now when you have a cold You are careless with your cold, You are cocky as a gangster Who has just been paroled. You ignore your physician, You eat steaks and oxtails, You stuff yourself with starches, You drink lots of cocktails, And you claim that gargling Is a time of waste, And you won’t take soda For you don’t like the taste, And you prowl around parties Full of selfish bliss, And greet your hostess With a genial kiss. You convert yourself Into a deadly missle, You exhale Hello’s Like a steamboat wistle. You sneeze in the subway And you cough at dances, And let everybody else Take their own good chances. You’re a bronchial boor, A bacterial blighter, And you get more invitations Than a gossip writer.
Yes, your throat is froggy, And your eyes are swimmy, And you hand is clammy, And you nose is brimmy, But you woo my girls And their hearts you jimmy While I sit here With the cold you gimmy.