"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of."
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold."
"A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick."
"An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks."
"Basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo."
"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."
"Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for."
"Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you."
"Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of."
"Happiness is having a scratch for every itch."
"Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, here's a list of today's appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures - take them, George, they're yours!"
"I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it."
"I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it."
"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."
"I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance."
"Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year."
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."
"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else."
"No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed."
"Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive."
"One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence."
"Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore."
"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it."
"People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up."
"Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs."
"Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long."
"Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind."
"Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as a legislature, Sleep is as forward as hives or goiters, And where it is least desired, it loiters."
"The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late."
"The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk."
"The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin."
"The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat."
"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all."
"They take the paper and they read the headlines. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball."
"To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."
"Too clever is dumb."
"Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him."