"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex."
"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."
"Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum."
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"I can speak Esperanto like a native."
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."
"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"I'm a hero with coward's legs."
"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."